2020
The Buddhist Centre that i had chosen to attend had an annual break in terms of the availability of classes to attend during the summer months - seemingly mirroring school and university breaks/holidays in such a respect...
So in (latter???) September all classes recommenced - as did the one i was then attending...
If my memory serves me correctly it was at this time that my very nice and seemingly very competent third Buddhist teacher asked me if i would be prepared to be of assistance to a teacher of one of the evening beginners classes...
At that time i simply didn't feel that i was ready to do so, and it was something (an extra responsibility if you will) that simply didn't appeal to me - so i politely declined such an offer...
I was asked once again a little(???) time later by such a teacher, and this time decided to rather reluctantly accept such a role...
This meant that in effect i was attending two evening classes per week(day evening) - one as a student and one as a helper to a Buddhist teacher of a beginners class...
On the first evening of attendance such a Buddhist teacher introduced me to his class of beginners and explained what my role was within such a class...
The title of such a position was 'disciplinarian', which from my perspective simply wasn't a fitting/suitable one, for, in my mind at least, it would seem to paint a picture of someone who was perhaps the carrier of a hidden cane - whereas the reality of such a role/position was of a person who was simply more experienced than a beginner, and so could possibly answer some beginner type questions, if asked to do so...
...someone of perceived gentle authority perhaps - and someone who could maintain a certain level of calm within such a group of beginners, if required to do so...
I sensed a certain, perhaps understandable, tension within such a group of beginners to my initial presence, and so chose to simply observe in a very unobtrusive/quiet way for the first few weeks/occasions - giving me time to get used to them, and to feel comfortable within their presence - and for them to do likewise...
It was a role that i soon accepted more readily, and a group that i gradually became to feel part of - so harmony rang, so to speak, and such a role became a more enjoyably relaxed one for me...
Anyway, on one particular evening the teacher of teachers unexpectedly took such a class - rather than the usual Buddhist teacher...
During the early stages of such a group meditation (and if my memory serves me correctly) i sensed that such a teacher of teachers attention was focused upon me in particular and so (once again, if my memory serves me correctly) i opened my eyes to find him looking directly at me...
I, rightly or wrongly, sensed that he wished to have access to my mind, so after closing my eyes once again and giving the matter some thought i decided (from my own personal perspective of course) to allow him to do so - for i didn't feel that i had anything to hide, and who knows, maybe he would find and later share something interesting (a personally unknown and perhaps personally useful/healing(???) memory perhaps???) that he had found therein with me...
In the event i don't actually have any recollection of having reported to such a teacher of teachers after such a group meditation, as was the normal sequence of weekly events...
Anyway, some time later (if my memory serves me correctly) i began to experience what could possibly be best described as momentary/fleeting occasional and seemingly random fairly sharp (but not overly) pain(???)/sensation(???) passing through a small area of my brain (left side of brain - located just(???) rear of vertical centre, and slightly(???) above lateral centre) - it was something that i had never knowingly experienced in my life before, and didn't seem to be in any way debilitating, so i simply observed such seemingly random fleeting events with just a mild concern/interest and carried on with my life as normal...
...Until i awoke from my slumbers one morning at around 3(???) am, or thereabouts, with the walls of my bedroom seemingly closing in around me...
Such a rather unwelcoming (and never previously experienced) experience caused me, rather understandably perhaps, to rather quickly get out of my bed and make my way into my living-room, whereby i steadied myself by placing the palm of one of my hands against one of the living-room walls as i sensed/experienced my consciousness(???) reducing in size to seemingly the size of a pea...
Once again rather understandably perhaps, i sensed that i had a somewhat alarming problem that was possibly in need of professional attention at the earliest opportunity, as i had never experienced such an unwelcoming specific sensation before (i had admittedly experienced possibly stress induced claustrophobia before, but most definitely nothing of this specific nature) - so i went to see my local doctor, as soon as the doors opened to the public if my memory serves me correctly...
Anyway when the doctor saw me (and i presumably explained what seemed to have happened to me) she arranged for me to see a psychiatrist (a first appointment that took place six weeks(???)/months(???) later), prescribed me some 'beta-blockers'(???) and asked me to see the receptionist (immediately after such an appointment) in order to book some weekly counselling sessions - the first of which took place approximately one hour later, as someone had very conveniently just cancelled a session, via telephone, as i was waiting to speak to such a receptionist...
If my memory serves me correctly i think that it was at this point in time that i, rather unfortunately, felt the need to stop attending such a Buddhist Centre, on what turned out to be a permanent basis - and an event that would seem to have resulted in taking my appetite away from, participating in / practising, any form of sitting meditation ever again...
So, do i have any other remembrances of such a period of time that i would like to share, you may possibly wonder???...
Well, i remember that when i walked into said doctor's office, the first thing she said to me was that i was a very 'Aware' person (or words to that effect, if my memory serves me correctly) - a statement that somewhat niggled me at the time as i found it to be somewhat superfluous to my immediate needs...
And i seem to have a presumably dream(???) remembrance of walking up some stairs with said teachers of teachers, whereby he was telling me that there are chakras (energy centres/portals(???)) in the hands, as well as the main bodily chakras - he seemed to be quite excited about telling me about such things, as if he was sharing some, important(???)/secret(???) / not generally known, information with me; seemingly not realising/understanding that i simply had no active interest in such knowledge/information, as i simply and very specifically had no interest in going down the 'psychic route', so to speak, as i very much felt/feel that seeking to develop 'psychic powers' isn't a particularly healthy pursuit to be/get involved in...
So, i guess the perhaps important, and perhaps most obvious, question needs to be addressed??? - do i think that there is any link between my perceived 'meditational' beginners class experience with said teacher of teachers, and my seemingly soon following 'mental health' problems???...
Well i guess that there is no way of knowing really - it is possibly something that will/may be resolved after i return Home after shedding my mortal coil perhaps???...
(...(after a walkies) Hmmm - maybe, with respect to myself perhaps, such a teacher of teachers could, perhaps, be seen to be symbolically representative of the eagle(???) within the film and book entitled, Jonathan Livingston Seagull'???)...
The truth of the matter would seem to be that we all experience problems/unpleasantness's during our time spent on planet/Mother Earth, so maybe we should simply accept that such things are 'part and parcel' of our every-day lives and simply treat them as such???...
I simply don't personally believe in adopting such a possible 'victim(???)' mentally, as i think that it, is / can be, a rather constraining(???)/self-limiting(???)/unhealthy(???) thing to do??? - something that perhaps entraps(???) us and prevents us from moving forwards more readily with our lives perhaps???...
I guess the truth of the matter is that we all experience perceived injustices in life - it would simply seem that for some it is important that such, perhaps more serious, perceived injustices are addressed and dealt with in some perhaps prescribed way/manner so that they may gain some form of resolution/comfort(???) that enables them to move forward in life in a much less encumbered way perhaps???...
We are all different, to varying degrees perhaps, and so tend to deal with our perceived problems in different ways - so i guess my way of dealing with some such perceived possible injustices/problems at least, is to revisit them and potentially share them (get them more openly out of my system perhaps???) as i am choosing to do here perhaps??? (as well as possibly providing some possibly interesting food for thought for the possible consideration of others regarding such matters perhaps???)...
And, finally, in closing, based upon some of my own perhaps more challenging experiences through life, what advice could i possibly offer to any incarnating/sojourning soul similar/such to/as myself, here on planet/Mother Earth, you may possibly wonder???...
Well, my somewhat rather tongue-in-cheek advice would simply be to try your best to blend in as much as possible by seeking to be as 'average' as possible (occasionally at least), and to be grateful when such an incarnation/sojourn comes to its (destined???) end/conclusion perhaps??? - whereas my perhaps more thoughtfully considered snippet of advice would be to simply keep on keeping on in a possibly easy-going and possibly naturally upbeat day-to-day manner, if able to do so, perhaps???...
(https://www.ourquantumparticulates.org/videos/another-meditational-experience)