2020
Let me just start by saying, as a sort of overall disclaimer, that all within this blog is most obviously based upon my own personal perceptions/perspectives, which are equally most obviously subject to the accuracy of my recall/memory (as is the chronology of such remembered/perceived events/happenings also) - and that all such content is offered in completely good faith...
During my journey through Christian Spiritualism i became friendly with a reformed alcoholic who acted as a sponsor to some newcomers within Alcoholics Anonymous...
He had previously meditated within a fairly closely situated Buddhist Centre before, at an unknown later date, choosing to leave - it was he who asked me if i was interested in accompanying him back there...
He seemingly wished to return to the then Tuesday evening beginners class in order to be taught, once again, by the same Buddhist teacher ('S') who had previously instructed both himself and his then fellow cinematic projectionist friend/buddy of Indian ethnicity - someone whom i was later to indirectly realise had an active interest in numerology...
I had previously read in a book that it was important to find the 'right' teacher, so had determined to go to each of the five weekday evenings in succession in order to find such a 'right' teacher for myself...
Thusly, i went to the Monday evening Buddhist meditation class on my own firstly...
Upon entering through the doors to such a centre a smiling male teacher ('F') walked out of a small ante-room and enthusiastically greeted me - 'oh please, not again' thought eye (i had, rather recently received a number of those rather 'focused' looks from certain individuals, and simply didn't welcome them ...
During the period of time that the attendees were receiving a basic dharma talk i noticed that there was always a pronounced periodic pause interspersed between such a given dharma talk - causing me to rather ignorantly/judgementally think to myself that such pauses were completely unnecessary - as if simply for effect...
It was only later that i realised that he had a speech impediment that he was trying to overcome - a big oops on my part eh...
It was actually an impediment that he successfully gradually overcame btw - something that both pleased me, as well as intrigued me...
Anyway, within such ignorance i very much felt that he was not the 'right' teacher for myself, and so on i went to the following evening's Tuesday evening's beginners class - to teacher 'S', whom i very much felt was indeed my 'right' teacher, resulting in me looking no further...
Teacher One...
I think it may have been during my second Tuesday evening attendance that i rather surprisingly saw within my mind's eye that which i later referred to as Confucius...
It was to be the only time that i rather fleetingly saw (the top part of) Him in full detailed colour, as He presumably formally introduced Himself to 'S' - very much a default Viewing by myself seemingly...
I think that it may also have been at the start of my second Tuesday evening attendance that 'S' took all of the beginner's class meditation attendees into what had once been the school playground (the centre had formerly been a primary school if my memory serves me correctly), in order to introduce us all to mindful walking...
I very distinctly remember all of us attendees walking 'round, as 'mindfully' as we were able, in a fairly large oval formation - with 'S' watching us all practicing such 'mindful walking'...
What i noticed energetically whilst so doing, was that some meditators were seemingly experiencing a light form of dreaded embarrassment every time the nearby traffic lights turned red and traffic started to build up along the somewhat narrow road that ran adjacent to said former school playground - it was as if some were thinking, 'please don't let there be anyone i know sat in any of those stationary cars opposite'...
It was something that amused me in a readily understandable way, as similar thoughts had occurred to me also (only not to such an extent) - it was at such a point in time that my eyes met with a warmly (and slightly mischievously???) smiling 'S', causing me to realise that we were most probably going to get on fairly well with one-another, as her face was displaying a type of humour that i could readily understand/appreciate...
It is probably worth mentioning that i was fairly well prepared/suited for meditation at this particular moment in time during my life (i cannot be absolutely certain what the year was - however i suspect that it may well have been Sept/Oct 1991, as the earliest quarterly newsletter/journal that i have is dated 1991), as i had already been celibate for around 5 years, had at least reached a vegetarian based diet (i went from vegetarian to vegan, and then to macro-biotic in stages), was living a fairly quiet/solitary life (i wasn't working), had never been much of a tv watcher or radio listener, went for regular early morning walks, and (if my memory serves me correctly) had by that time (or if not, then shortly after) started to do regular fairly early morning (around 5 am if my memory serves me correctly) Tai chi qi gong, as well as a selection of yoga, exercises - so my mind was fairly (yes, all things are relative, i know) disciplined and quiet already - which made the incorporation of personal daily meditation practices (of around 50 mins duration per occasion, once i had become more accustomed to such daily practises) into my normal morning routines fairly easy to naturally accommodate...
...It was somewhat later, after incorporating such morning Buddhist meditational practises into my regular early morning routines that i started to Receive a string/series of aphorisms btw - something that i initially perceived to have been a hindrance to such meditational practises...
...However, as they seemed to wish to continue being Presented to me i remember breaking from such a meditational practise in order to get a pad and pen, with a certain annoyance, before writing each one down within the resumption of such a meditation practise - only for them to later cease to be Given/Offered...
It is something that i never discussed with 'S', as i presumed that she would have been apprised of such things during my personal reporting sessions - causing me to think that if 'S' wished to discuss such things with me, then she would have done so...
Years later, whilst 'V' was my third teacher, i remember bringing a folder with me in which such aphorisms were stored (i had amassed quite a lot of them at that time - and had indeed tried to get them published, only to be told that there wasn't really a ready market for such things) in order to show them to her - however, in the event i didn't do so, as i thought that she may perhaps have found them to be a little silly/trivial/unworthy...
Anyway, moving on...
'S' was, from my perspective, a very accomplished teacher indeed, as during my initial few personal reporting sessions she would gently close her eyes and seemingly enter a trance-like state for quite some time - ahaa, thought i, rightly or wrongly, she must be being apprised as to my needs by such a personal oriental chief/life Guide...
I remember a little later during such weekly attendances being invited to write a short piece on the thoughts of a newcomer - resulting in me writing a rather amusing response to such a suggested request...
...One that was thankfully rather amusingly received in the manner in which it was offered - one that i was perfectly correctly told had become a little too silly (unskillful) perhaps, within its later stages...
As the weeks went by we moved to a small shrine room to meditate - a room that was directly above the normally used beginners class...
I had noticed that i had started to very quietly chuckle after meditation practise for some unknown reason - a good-natured chuckle that i couldn't readily explain, as i had absolutely no idea as to why such a state was arising within me...
One particular week i became rather embarrassed by it, as my gently smiling and rather excellent teacher had clearly detected such a light-hearted arising within me after each group meditation practise/period - causing me to think that my continued accepted attendance may be in question...
...And thereby causing me to apologise privately - only to be, gently, smilingly, and rather relievedly, told that such light-hearted responses where simply due to the arising energies during such group meditation practises...
At a later date still 'S' suggested that i write a piece on the theme of 'fourness' - a suggestion that resulted in me presenting her with a poem entitled 'Four Of Four' (the one entitled 'Karma' within 'POEMS' on this website btw) the following week...
If my memory serves me correctly it was during such a time period that my attention seemed to be drawn to the socks that each of the other meditators were wearing (we were all required to remove our footwear upon entering such a Buddhist meditation centre btw) - they all seemed to be of a very dull and uniform colour...
...And as i had earlier/previously bought an assortment of brightly coloured 'Disney' socks, i decided to, slightly mischievously perhaps, wear them to such a beginners class for a shortish period of time - possibly to see what, if any, response the wearing of such atypical socks may engender amongst the other, seemingly rather studious attendees...
If my memory serves me correctly all the other meditators seemed to choose to totally ignore them (with a slight air of disdain perhaps???) - whilst, after a particular meditation practise, teacher 'S' did very much seem to have noticed them - resulting in a similar, knowing, warm-hearted smile being exchanged between the two of us once again (from my perspective at least)...
Such a meditation practise comprised of counting, following, touching, and settling components/stages - the first 4 components/stages being of various breath lengths (the longest, the longer, the shorter, and the shortest) - with the longest being equivalent to one's longest natural breath...
I remember during the counting stages (be it to the count of 9, 6, 3, or 1) initially simply counting inwardly/silently...
However, as my meditation practises gradually progressed i then began to visually see each number within my inner sight in 2D black and white - this then progressed to seeing each number on a gradually turning wheel within my inner sight...
Later still (if i am remembering such gradual progressions in the correct sequence) such numbers slowly fell, independent of each other - and then became 3D in nature, before becoming colourful and falling in all sorts of interesting ways throughout my inner vision, as my concentration/attention gradually improved i guess - i think such preoccupations continued until i probably became bored with it all (in all honesty i can no longer remember)...
The perhaps rather strange aspect to all of this was that i cannot remember ever discussing such inner progressions with 'S' during any of my after-meditational personal reporting sessions - it was probably because i was enjoying experiencing such things and simply didn't wish to possibly be instructed to go back to basics, so to speak...
It was possibly also due to the fact that 'S' would sometimes go into a sort of gently smiling trance during my reporting sessions (sometimes for quite an extended period of time), whereby i assumed she was possibly inwardly Communicating with my life Guide (or such a Being) regarding such meditational progressions - so perhaps reasoned that such a Being could/(was) explain(ing) things far better than i would perhaps have been able to do???...
Needless to say perhaps, i was rather/somewhat saddened by teacher 'S' and her family's later relocation to Cambridge - as, in my eyes at least, 'S' was such a wonderfully accomplished and welcomingly pleasant individual...
...Although i did earlier notice that she seemed to have a somewhat strange and seemingly possessive husband - such an observation possibly occurred during a full moon day attendance, (if my memory serves me correctly anyway) when 'S' and i were involved in polite conversation, just outside of the front door of such a Buddhist meditation centre...
...During which said husband came and stood rather accusingly(???) and gave me one of those telling stares, whilst seemingly non-verbally instructing/'suggesting' that 'S' return inside immediately (which she did btw)...
Such action/intervention was most inappropriate and completely unnecessary really, as i simply wasn't in the market for a relationship of any kind, as i was enjoying a state of celibacy that allowed me to chat with females completely devoid of and romantic/sexual feelings whatsoever - it was one of the fruits of celibacy that i found to be particularly freeing...
...And apart from that, 'S' was my very respected meditation teacher for Heaven's sake...
Upon reflection i think that this may have comprised an/the occasion when 'S' and myself were discussing 'end time' themes - an occasion whereby 'S' told me that such times were very far off into the future (2500 or 25000 or 250000 years into the future if i remember what 'S' had said correctly) - i remember accepting what 'S' had said within one of those rather quizzical 'really???' moments...
I think the reason that i had brought up such a topic for discussion was because i had (already???) worked privately for a phew years undertaking a personal interpretative transliteration of the works of Nostradamus - something that i had chosen to do after attempting to translate/understand the book of Revelations within the Bible - simply to see if Nostradamus' works mirrored/reflected the works of John of Patmos (the apparent author of the book of Revelations)...
...Something that i found did indeed seem to do so, only in much greater apparent detail - as an aside i tend to think, rightly or wrongly, that Nostradamus had been prompted to undertake such work himself for similar reasons, as it would seem to have been the logical thing for such a seemingly 'great prophet' to have perhaps done (who knows, maybe the book of Revelations acted as his inspiration in such a prophetic respect???)...
Anyway, before moving on to my next teacher ('C'), it is probably worthwhile mentioning a number of other things...
Firstly, that upon commencement of attending such a Buddhist meditation centre i felt the need to wear a golden necklace with a small golden Christian cross attached to it...
This was simply because Buddhism very much represented uncharted territory for me - and i was concerned that by making such a move it may have been viewed by the Higher Beings that i was somehow forsaking That which is most commonly referred to a 'God'...
So it was my way of stating that i still saw 'God' as being the Creator of the universe in which we all live - although at a later date, when i felt more comfortable within such surroundings, i did in fact remove such a necklace and Christian cross - for by then i felt that i may have been unknowingly causing offence to such Buddhists...
...Even though i never lost such a belief in such a universal Creator 'God' - for suggesting otherwise has always seemed somewhat ridiculous/untenable to me...
Secondly, i remember 'S' telling me that Theravadan Buddhism most accurately followed the true teachings of the Buddha, as compared to Tibetan and Mayahanan Buddhism - it was a statement that i somehow felt to be very reassuring...
Thirdly, i remember shortly after first attending such a Buddhist meditation centre, telling 'S' that i was told that i was a fairly intuitive type of person - to which i was told in reply that such a form of Buddhist meditation, as taught at such a centre, (potentially at least i guess) takes one (much???) deeper than intuition...
Fourthly, 'S' (indirectly???) suggested to me one day that i may be close to Enlightenment - i remember noticing that such flattery caused a certain warmth/pleasure to arise within me, as if a certain part of me found such flattery to be somewhat welcoming...
What i was also aware of by such a time is that sometimes a teacher will perhaps/seemingly make/offer certain suggestions to a student to see what response(s) may arise - in essence i guess it's a form of (useful???), and perhaps playful, feedback...
After a short pause, for consideration perhaps, i chose to offer the following verbal response - 'i actually consider it to be an achievement to have reached the point where i actually walked through your doors' (or words to such effect)...
Fifthly, i was told that pride was the last hindrance to go/disappear before Enlightenment is attained...
Rightly or wrongly, what experience seems to have shown me is that hindrances merely become increasingly subtle in nature...
So maybe they simply reach a point where they lay seemingly dormant, awaiting possible increasing reactivation at later points/moments/periods in time??? - such being the nature of evolution and devolution perhaps???...
...And if such is the case then the notion that the 'three roots' become 'severed'/'uplifted' (never to return) at some point in time, is perhaps an erroneous one???...
And finally, it is probably worth mentioning at this point that there were other 'specialised' classes to attend also (at the sole discretion of the teachers obviously) - such as a healing class, an astrology class, and a chanting class for example...
...As i remember 'S' telling me of the healing and astrology classes one day, within an informal chat/discussion - i felt particularly drawn to the healing class, however it would seem that it was attended by females specifically/only, so i felt somewhat obliged not to respond, as i didn't want to tread on such traditional(???) toes, so to speak...
In fact i very much felt, rightly or wrongly, that 'S' was putting emphasis on the astrology class, and as i had previously (before attending such Buddhist meditation classes - and so possibly unknown to 'S' - directly through myself anyway) taught myself how to construct natal charts (i had done one for each member of my family, purely to see if there were any 'grand trines' amongst us - as you do) - (such a passing interest had been put into indirect motion by Jonathan Cainer, who was the resident astrologer for the 'Today' newspaper at the time - and who offered/advertised computerised services for a rather modest fee (an opportunity that i had taken advantage of at the time btw)), and although i very much had an interest in the interpretational aspects of such natal charts, i didn't really feel ready (comfortable enough within the company of such lay Buddhists) to join such a class, and so made no comment once again...
However, at a later stage (when within teacher 'C's' beginners class if i remember correctly) i was invited to join a chanting class - but was only invited to join one session (i think that such teachers could see that i wasn't really ready) - such an invitation came after i started humming quietly during a series of puja chanting occasions (resulting in teacher 'C' saying rather indirectly, during a full moon day i think, that some people had been noted to have 'hummed' during such puja observances - ooh, perhaps not as quietly as i had thought then)...
Teacher Two...
Anyway, as already mooted, my next Buddhist meditation teacher was 'C', who was to be my only regular male teacher - he was a very nice, gentle, and slightly nervous teacher whom, from my perspective at least, seemed to be a much less experienced one than 'S'...
Not that such a perceived lack of experience mattered one iota - as he seemed to be a perfectly adequate and able beginner's class teacher...
I remember thinking about asking 'C' privately how long he had been a beginner's class teacher for, but then decided against it, as i thought that it may have been received unwelcomely - as a perceived slight against his abilities perhaps???...
Anyway, moving on to my remembrances...
I remember later being asked to act as an assistant to 'C' one day, during an arranged visit of some school children from Manchester Boys Grammar school - an invitation that i accepted, albeit rather unsurely, as i had never been asked to assist in such a capacity before...
Before cycling down to the Buddhist Centre i remember wondering if i may perhaps be asked some questions myself - resulting in me writing down the answer to one particular question that i thought i could possibly be asked, and drawing a small accompanying sketch, before putting it my left-hand-side back pocket...
Strangely enough 'C' asked me, before the arrival of such a Manchester Boys Grammar School attendance, if i knew the answer to such a question (it wasn't that he was incompetent in any way whatsoever, may i add - i think it was simply that being of a rather nervous disposition he was somewhat stressed-out, so was experiencing a form of 'mind freeze', which i could readily understand as i also tend to experience such a thing when suffering from stress also), causing me to rather readily reach into my left rear pocket and handing such a previously prepared piece of paper to him...
It was during such a moment that i sensed, rightly or wrongly, an easily detected form of alarm arising from 'C' - as if i was perhaps about to produce a knife of some sorts...
...Allow me to explain why this could possibly have been so...
...After the 25th(???) anniversary of the then teacher of teachers ('LC') group meditational celebration(???) (my 'boy in a bubble' perceived experience), i awaited just outside of the main shrine room for the others to emerge...
...When 'C' emerged i found myself, from my own experiential perspective of course, looking at him and saying, within a 'mind to mind' exchange 'you will pay for that' - and then when my former teacher 'S' also emerged, saying in a similar way, 'and so will you' (both in a very matter-of-fact, focused, sort of way btw...
If my memory serves me correctly 'C' had earlier (within a personal reporting session) asked me if i really wanted to attend such an event, to which i affirmed that i did - from today's perspective i can actually see that he was perhaps trying to hint at something, however i really think that he, as my teacher at the time, could possibly done a rather better job at trying to possibly protect one of his students / meditational class members (if indeed he was in fact aware about the nature of what i had perceived to have later taken place of course)...
Clearly, what was meant by such statements was that of the inevitability of karma (not in any way as a personal, and therefore karmic-continuance/incurring'samsaric' interventive nature (clearly that would be most unskillful)) - and absolutely nothing more than that...
So, tis hardly surprising that i experienced one of those 'what the heck???' momentary slivers of time stoppage between the two of us, before we resumed as normal within our interactions...
In the event of such an occasion btw, i simply observed such interactive exchanges between 'C' and the attending Manchester Boys Grammar School attendees - as well as supplying a tray of tea and biscuits when asked to do so...
It is probably worth mentioning that one of the school children, who was obviously an extremely bright young student, kept asking 'C' a series of seemingly challenging(???)/probing(???) questions - to which 'C' answered all of them to seeming satisfaction, before simply looking at the male accompanying teacher in a way that i perceived as being a slightly exasperated(???) 'please rein in your student - enough is enough' sort of way???...
Anyway, in closing this particular remembrance, i remember being in the downstairs kitchen washing the cups and plates etc, when 'C' rather hurriedly mumbled(???) that he had to leave - which was rather disappointing really, as it was a task that we cold have perhaps performed together whilst perhaps discussing such an annual(???) visitation...
As time went on i became more involved within the Buddhism part of things - whereby i would attend 'Full Moon Days', and occasionally attend the monthly Sunday morning/mid-day pujas - as well as attending a series of weekly(???)/monthly(???) Manchester University Buddhist Society meetings, which i increasingly felt to be a natural part of my journey within Theravadan Buddhism...
I remember on one such full moon day being asked by my still(???) then teacher 'C', whilst within the company of other attendees, whether i considered myself to be a Buddhist...
After a short silence (an automatic, then consciously unrecognised, inner waiting if you will) i found myself replying, 'i consider myself to be a student of Buddhism' - causing me to energetically sense a very clear disappointment emanating from the room in which we were all then seated...
...A disappointing answer/reply for all those concerned seemingly ('C' especially???) - but never-the-less a perfectly honest one...
On various occasions during my time spent at such a Buddhist Centre there were outside jobs that needed to be performed on the outside of the building - it had previously/earlier been a junior school if my memory serves me correctly...
On one such occasion myself and a much more long-standing Buddhist attending physics graduate who was studying for a Phd (i had assumed he would have had a rather precise and well-ordered mind), were asked to repaint the entrance doors...
I remember thinking that his level/standard of mindfulness/skilfulness must be much higher than mine - and so it came as a complete shock to me to see his paintbrush painting the right-hand-side door at all sorts of angles - whereas my paintbrush was was simply going up and down the left door vertically, as i worked as mindfully and skilfully as i was able - i think it is fair to say that i was rendered somewhat aghast by his rather (purposeful perhaps???) slip-shod efforts...
I remember my then teacher 'C' later appraising the finished work on one particular occasion - causing me to feel the need to point out to him that i had painted the left hand door - as i thought that he may have assumed that i, as a lesser experienced meditator, had painted the right hand door...
It is something that still causes me to chuckle (the tale of two doors), as the right hand door looked as if it had been painted without any care/mindfulness whatsoever (under protest perhaps??? - it was simply a mess) - in the event 'C' simply elected to remain silent...
I think it was whilst in 'C's' beginners class that i experienced a rather strange occasion involving a female lay Buddhist once, whilst i was in the kitchen at such a Buddhist centre, that i would very much like to allude to / share - such a female seemed to make a point in engaging me in conversation, and as she did so she made a number of not-so-discrete moves/nudges(without the winks) closer towards me in a rather focused eye-to-eye-contact / not-so-praying mantis sort of way - causing me to become increasingly concerned as to my continued well-being (thankfully, she seemed to have gotten the unspoken message before possibly eventually sidling up to me - phew eh) - in truth i think that it was simply an example of an unattached female lay Buddhist trying to secure a mate for herself...
Anyway, moving on further, there was another occasion (but not whilst within 'band camp' of course) when i was asked to serve as an overnight personal attendant to a visiting monk (he also seemingly visited at a later date for a successive number of days also??? (summer 1996???)) named Tan Ian (if my memory serves me correctly) - a comparatively young and physically very healthy, tall monk, who was very well received by the lay Buddhists (and especially their children, who sat around him excitedly, just outside the ring of flowers that surrounded him, as he sat in a classical Buddhist pose) throughout part of the following day...
My duties were to simply sleep within the beginners class-room on a fairly basic folding bed, whilst such a Buddhist monk slept in an adjacent room overnight - and then to simply provide him with a breakfast of his choice (a banana and a glass of water if i remember correctly), after i had heard him arising from his slumbers the following morning...
...Resulting in me being 'rewarded' by being presented with a number of booklets - one of which was an in-house green outer covered publication entitled, 'A Handbook Of Devas' (which i now think may have been given in a purely symbolic/'recognising'/acknowledging nature???)...
I distinctly remember, (with a certain amount of humour btw) an Indian female teacher ('U') seemingly non-verbally questioning such a highly regarded visiting monk as to the/his wisdom in offering me such a publication - only for him to seemingly non-verbally correct (in his opinion presumably) her somewhat errant views - which resulted in 'U' lowering her head in deference to his greater wisdom - an only still partially read book that, along with the others, i still have in my possession btw...
It is something that still causes me to chuckle - the sheer temerity of a lay teacher questioning the wisdom of a very well-regarded/respected, and very well received visiting robed Buddhist monk...
She obviously (from my personal perspective obviously) didn't seem to like me for some reason (her partner, if my memory serves me correctly, was 'I', whom i had experienced the 'dammapada 239' etc interactions with during one of my then previous Greenstreete visits), and seemingly regarded me as being unworthy of such an offered booklet - whereas said visiting monk clearly thought otherwise ('naa na na naa naa' )...
There had been an earlier occasion, after my first Greenstreete visit (after a Sunday puja, if my memory serves me correctly) when some meditational students (from other classes presumably) had sat quietly/unobtrusively/gently around me - causing 'U' to come up to us and have a seemingly non-verbal disapproving interaction with them - after which they all quietly dispersed - a time period where 'R' had told me that there was a repair job that needed attending to within the female toilets, and a time period whereby teachers 'C' and a presumably the not yet relocated 'S' had rather eagerly approached me with smiling, welcoming, faces ('oh no, not more of that undue (rather overt/'obvious') attention' thought eye)...
In closing of such a remembrance, it may also be worth noting that during the late afternoon, whilst sitting adjacent to the open door and generally observing the attentions shown to such a visiting Buddhist monk, i noticed 'R', with a Buddhist whom i wasn't particularly fond of ('G'), entering together, in what i rightly or wrongly, considered to be a rather telling way - it was then that the within-mind words 'she is mine' arose rather strongly from within my being...
I remember being somewhat embarrassed at such a completely unexpected and unbidden arising/outburst - however, given that the very first time i saw 'R' (during my first visit to Greenstreete) i seemed to experience a certain inner 'recognition' of her, and now tend to think that during a previous life 'R' was in fact 'mine' (for a certain period of time at least perhaps), and that not thinking very highly of 'G' (and perhaps having 'R's' best interests at heart), i perhaps subconsciously recognised that he was not, in my opinion, a 'worthy' choice/partner for her??? - i find myself chuckling whilst typing this btw...
During another occasion we were treated to a visit by some much older, venerable monks (and their robed 'assistants'), who gave us a dharma talk within the main shrine room within such a Buddhist Centre - at the end of which we were asked if we had any questions...
I waited to see if any of the other attendees had a question to ask, before then asking 'what comes after Enlightenment??? - a question that seemed to cause some confusion amongst them btw...
...Before eventually receiving a rather quizzical answer of 'nothing'...
It was an answer that somehow didn't feel correct to me - but i didn't know why it didn't feel correct at the time - causing me not to question it further...
Nowadays i would personally say that such an answer was an incorrect one, and that 'Enlightenment' is simply a signpost along the way - for how can Spiritual evolution simply come to an abrupt halt, especially within an environment of eternity and infinity - it is something that simply doesn't make sense to me...
...In a similar way perhaps, within the Christian tradition, where we are seemingly expected to believe that a single life/incarnation here on planet Earth results in the chosen few being seated around the Throne of God in Heaven, within a state of bliss, for ever and ever amen??? - absolute tosh say i - for, rightly or wrongly, such a very limited concept seems, potentially at least, like a heck of a 'waste' (in terms of further personal experiential Growth opportunities/experiences) of eternity to me...
Anyway, i think it was during the time-period during which i was an attendee/student of 'C's' beginners meditation class that i decided to visit two other Buddhist centres that were situated/located around the same general area as the one i was regularly attending...
The first one was a Mahayanan centre, which was very well attended with/by a mixture of generally fairly young people, some of whom were patiently seated, and a seemingly greater number who were stood and moving around within such a throng - in comparison to the Theravadan centre that i was attending, i found the atmosphere to be noisy, with little(???) apparent discipline/order/form, and/with a number of the seeming new-comers who seemed to be carrying an openly verbalised experiential dislike of Christianity (and with the young, robed, 'shaven'-headed teachers carrying, what seemed to me to be a somewhat pretentious/presumptuous/light-weight vibe with them)...
I chose not to attend that particular Mahayanan centre again, as it also seemed, to me anyway, to carry a relatively/comparatively rather superficial/vexatious(???)/disordered vibe to/with it - although i did briefly visit a Mahayanan centre within Manchester city centre on a couple of occasions, and that one seemed to be far more appropriately quiet and more disciplined/ordered/respectful in nature...
The second one, a Tibetan Buddhist centre within either a large terraced or small semi-detached house, seemed much more personally welcoming - although the small group of somewhat/comparatively older members seemed to have been carrying a slightly sad vibe with them...
I was given a personal tour 'round the centre, which had some very bright and welcomingly peaceful and uplifting colours within it, that i found to be particularly appealing - however, their retreat centre was based in France, which seemed to be a particularly distant and possibly expensive place to visit...
Had such a retreat centre been based within our own shores i would probably have attended such a Tibetan Buddhist centre on a regular basis, in tandem/conjunction with my continuing attendance at the Theravadan Buddhist centre, in order to get a better feel for such a tradition - as i very much liked the quiet nature of the two(???) couples i met, as well as the vibe of the centre itself...
I think that it may also been during such a period of time that i became aware of weekly evening Buddhist Society talks being given within a building/room that was affiliated with Manchester University - ones that i chose to attend fairly regularly for a short period of time, simply to get a feel of it really...
I remember one particular evening when, rather to my surprise, teacher 'V' attended, wearing a short tight-fitting brown skirt, together with a rather body-hugging bright-red jumper/sweater (at the Buddhist centre she would normally wear a long loose-fitting dress) - and i also remember teacher 'F', who was sat to my immediate right, placing his left foot lightly up against my right foot, as he was presumably trying to read the nature of my rather quiet vibes, as teacher 'V' sat down (naughty, naughty teacher 'F' (chuckle chuckle))...
And i also remember, upon exiting such a building, 'V' walking rather enthusiastically, with a seemingly visiting female friend, (who upon this occasion was not wearing her green cargo pants/trousers) accompanying her towards what would have seemed to have been a wine bar, just before attending to my lock-secured mountain bike - i got the impression, rightly or wrongly, that the seemingly unattached and later published (a book on Hinduism) 'V' may have been 'on the pull' as they say (chuckle chuckle once again)...
Anyway, moving perhaps rather swiftly forwards, during the time i spent at such a Buddhist Centre i felt the need to take two fairly extended breaks from such meditational activities...
Upon my return from the first of the two such breaks it came to my attention that there had been a break-in through one of the windows(???), whereby presumably some damage had been done to part of the inside of such a centre - i simply noted such an occurrence, wondering who would have done such a thing - children perhaps???...
Upon my second return, as i was walking through the open door, i remember being given a rather unpleasant look by 'C's' passing assistant - causing me to wonder why i should be treated in such a way upon my return from such a break in attendance...
I think it may have been a sunny full moon day when i returned...
Anyway, i walked into one of the rooms where quite a lot a teachers in particular seemed to be present - and with growing confusion, found that i was completely shunned...
Oh well thought i, i'll simply sit upon one of the vacant chairs and wait for someone to come talk to me...
After a while 'C', who was stood with a group of such teachers, came and knelt down in front of me and we chatted for a short while before he then returned to such a standing group of teachers - it was at such a point within such procedures that i noticed a distinct relaxation in the previously tense energies, and from then forth everything seemed to return to a state of convivial normality...
At a later time i was informed that the centre had been broken into once again - resulting in the Buddha rupa within the main shrine room apparently being daubed with red paint...
Seemingly it was i that was the suspected/accused culprit - even though neither of such break-ins had absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever - it is simply not within my nature to do such a thing - and if i had done such a thing why on Earth would i have chosen to return - it simply didn't make sense...
Anyway, as a result of such break-ins an alarm system was installed - and as a member of the maintenance team i needed the code in order to enter such a building whenever work was adjudged to be needed to be done...
In the event i was indeed given such a security code by a very nice female teacher ('A') who was married to 'G', the assigned teacher during my first retreat centre visit...
At the time of such a giving of the security code i was seated upon a bench and i sensed the shocked energies coming from the female sat to my immediate right - oh, so she has decided that it was me that broke into the centre also, thought i, in a somewhat crestfallen/disappointed way...
I never did find out who was responsible, but rightly or wrongly i suspect that it may have been instigated by the teacher of teachers 'LC', in his seemingly ongoing attempts to discredit and thus get rid of me - i guess i will find out the truth of such a matter after i have shed my mortal coil and returned Home...
I'm not completely sure when this particular remembrance fits in chronologically, but i think that it may be around this time, so this is where i will choose to insert/put it...
I remember attending another full moon day at such a centre, whereby i was seated in a particular room one day, amongst others, including a standing 'R' who was being praised by two other Buddhist females regarding the dress she was wearing (which was quite an event in itself, as the normally rather quiet/reserved 'R' usually wore black cord trousers and a black jumper/sweater) - anyway such unusual seemingly excitable discussion caused my attention to be drawn to such a direction, just as the sun shone through, revealing 'R's' right breast (and a very nice breast it was too, may i add) - i think it was a testiment to my ongoing state of celibacy that i could view such a sun-displayed breast with complete detachment, as someone may view/appraise a rather nice painting or sculpture perhaps (an artistic appreciation perhaps)...
I remember later, 'R' and myself having a rather pleasant seated conversation, whereby 'R' offered to lend/loan me one of her personal books to read, that she presumably kept at her home - such a conversation was an event in itself, as 'R' was normally such a quiet and reserved (albeit determined/serious) young lady, and although we had interacted on a couple of occasions before, they had always been very quietly reserved ones...
Anyway, around lunchtime, if my memory serves me correctly, 'R' seemed to go upstairs (for a reporting session with one of the female teachers???), and the few remaining people who had been sitting in such a room as i was sitting in had gotten up and left (for lunch presumably???) - anyway, although i was looking forward to continuing such a seemingly ongoing interaction with 'R', after a time i began to feel somewhat self-conscious about being the only person left in the room, so i decided that it may be a good opportunity to cycle home, go for a swim at a local public swimming pool (it was a really hot day btw), and return for the evening session...
...Noting, upon my return that 'R' was now back in her cord trousers and jumper/sweater, seated in one of the chairs close to the entrance to such a room - anyway, after i had removed my footwear i asked 'R' whether she had brought the book, that she had earlier offered to me, back with her...
...To which i received a rather frosty/curt 'no, i shall bring it at a later date' (or words to such effect) - how strange certain women can seem to be at times, thought i...
As an afterword, and in the name of truth, if i hadn't been treading such a path of celibacy, i would probably have enjoyed a potential relationship with 'R', as she was the only female lay Buddhist that i would possibly have taken such an interest in, as i felt a certain form of kinship towards her - but, hey, such was seemingly simply not meant to have been...
Teacher Three...
Near to the end of the time that 'C' was my meditation teacher, another, female teacher ('V'), presided over our beginners class for a number of successive weeks (i think this was the case anyway) - i had met her during my second visit to the retreat centre, whereby i was drawn to her eyes, which seemed to exude a certain Spirituality, causing me think what a wonderful teacher she must be...
...A determination/assessment that was rather errantly misinterpreted by certain others as indicating that i was somehow romantically attracted to her - a perfect example of 'we tend to see things as WE are, rather than THEY are', one would most readily suggest dahlings...
Anyway, on one such evening 'V' announced that we were to play 'Jenny's Game' (i think this is what it was called???), whereby objects of various sizes were placed on a serving tray and covered with a cloth - each of us in turn were left in the room by ourselves, whereby we removed said cloth and were given a minute to remember each object on said tray, before it was removed/covered once again before the other meditators returned to the room once again - and before each meditator in turn tried to remember as many of the objects as possible...
When my turn came i decided that it would probably be best to try to recall the smallest object first, and then work my way up towards the largest one - as this to me seemed like the easiest way of doing it...
Anyway, such a chosen method was working well, until i heard the inner exclamation of 'he's going to do it!!!' coming from the mind of the class disciplinarian who was seated very close to my immediate left (with teacher 'V' sat to her immediate left) - causing such a distraction to break my focus / train of thought...
On the following week, if my memory serves me correctly, we were all sat in a circle, whereby each of us in turn read a smallish passage from some text - and as a then fairly self-conscious individual, i remember, with increasing nervousness/trepidation thinking 'please let the text be finished before it reaches me'...
Seemingly such inner 'prayers' were answered, as, thankfully, the person seated to my immediate left finished reading it before it was my turn - phew thought an extremely relieved i...
Anyway it would seem that 'V' may have been selecting some meditators from our beginners class to join some likewise presumably selected meditators from another beginners class to move forward into an intermediate class(???) - for shortly afterwards she became my third and final teacher...
I think it was shortly before joining teacher 'V's' class that i decided to pay an impromptu(???) visit to another beginners class one weekday evening...
It was on the evening that England were playing Germany in the semi-finals of the 1996 Euro's, whereby i had thought that England had come to the end of their inclusion within such a football tournament - and so had decided that a group meditation practice may be a better option than watching England go out of such a competition (i think i had been invited to watch such a game at someone's house???)...
Anyway, before entering such a Buddhist centre, teacher 'G's' wife/partner ('A') had quite reasonably and quizzically asked me why i wasn't watching such a match - to which i readily answered that i had a feeling that England were going to lose, and that a meditation practise was my preferred alternative...
As it turned out, unknown to me 'R' had now become a beginners class teacher for that particular weekday evening - so it was with interest that i joined such attendees for a group meditation practise...
I remember whilst reporting to 'R' after such a meditation practice, being told that i would be unable to join her class - which i found to be rather interesting because there seemed to be a rule that a person couldn't be a member of a class if a romantic attachment was present???...
...Hmmm, thought i - are you trying to tell me something 'R'??? (chuckle chuckle)...
Anyway, before moving perhaps rather swiftly onwards, in the event England did in fact lose such a match (on penalties actually) - 'prescient 'Joe'' at your service eh dahlings...
As i mentioned within an earlier blog, i very much enjoyed 'V' being my new teacher, as she exuded a welcomingly gentle competence - and the class attendees seemed to blend very well together...
Indeed, one of the class attendees (the very lovely 'PPF') invited us all to share a lunch with her during one pre-Xmas period...
I remember entering such a house and presenting 'V' with an Xmas card (a personally signed one doncha know - a rarity indeed dahlings ('ooh, Who said that???')), before giving her a kiss on her cheek, purely as a platonic gesture of warm friendship towards her - a gesture that she seemed to welcome with a certain surprise (in all honesty i had simply thought that such social gestures were the done and expected thing amongst/within middle-class company - an oops moment eh)...
...Causing another unknown female to fully extend her offered arm to me, whilst rather hastily (and as stiffly as her arm was outstretched perhaps) saying, 'we haven't met before have we' - it sort of confused me at the time, whereas now it causes me to chuckle somewhat, as i had indeed decided to do likewise to each female luncheon attendee - as i said, i simply assumed that such was the done thing within polite middle-class company...
As an aside, i also noticed a rather confused/enquiring/wondering look on the rather delightful (i found her to be a truly lovely person and fellow class member) host's ('PPF') face, as if thinking, 'is there something that i'm not yet aware of???' (between 'V' and myself) - tis a remembrance that still causes me to chuckle rather freely btw)...
Anyway, i also remember 'PPF', whom i found myself sitting next to, telling me of an unusual experience her husband had whilst playing his chosen musical instrument within an orchestral public performance, (as i was sipping my glass of fresh orange juice, rather than the white wine that was served to others - ooh, goody-two-shoes eh) - apparently he had an out-of-body experience, whereby he witnessed himself playing said musical instrument absolutely 'perfectly' whilst looking down upon his body from above...
On yet another occasion, i remember being still seated within my meditational posture (i had enjoyed/experienced a particularly deep meditation) - when the closely passing 'V' offered her hand, (which i dutifully accepted) in order to help me to my feet ('and sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much' lol) - in truth i simply thought at the time that 'V' simply wished me to get a move on, so to speak (which, in all honesty, probably best reflected the truth within such a situation)...
And upon yet another occasion (but once again, not whilst within 'band camp' obviously), whilst within what was once the primary school playground, attending to my bike lights (i used to put a piece of card between the end of the batteries and the spiralling metallic parts, in order to prevent such rechargeable batteries from draining too quickly), 'V', as the last remaining member within such a building, came out and offered to hold one of the lights for me as i was attending to such duties - a repeated offer that i politely declined on both occasions, as i was fully capable of doing such things on my own, so needed no help...
Looking back, i suspect that it may have been a personal test for me, as i was always(???) the last to leave and report, as i realised that all(???) of the other class attendees either had families to return home to, and/or work to get up for the following morning - i now suspect that some people may have incorrectly suspected that i may have been romantically attached, in an aspirational way, to 'V', and that this was why 'V' had put such suspicions to the test???...
...Whereas, in reality, if there had been such an attachment, then it would have probably have necessitated me leaving the class - as 'energetically, this was seemingly seen as a 'no no' - however, it did constitute one of those fleeting 'hmmm' moments of wonderment for me at the time...
...A moment that could perhaps have been further fuelled by a series of personal correspondences that i received from 'V' after i had felt the need to permanently leave such a Buddhist meditation centre, in her attempts to get me to return to her class - however, one has to be rather careful in what one may, perhaps choose to, read into such things, as in reality i very much suspect that 'V' simply saw me as a valued member of such a group (something she very much alluded to btw), and as a very caring individual, i tend to think that she was simply showing genuine concern for my well-being - and as i have also said before, i was still, at that time, residing within a very comfortable/easy state of enjoyable celibacy...
Shortly after starting to meditate at such a Buddhist Centre such weekly attendees were introduced to the 5 basic precepts - upon which i realised that Confucius, as i came to refer to my seeming life Guide as, had unknowingly prepared me well, as i had already been unknowingly practising them before starting such Buddhist meditation practices...
I maintained and gradually refined such precepts throughout my complete attendance at such a Buddhist Centre - and felt very comfortable within them...
So perhaps it wasn't particularly surprising when 'V' asked me, whilst reporting to her one evening, whether i had ever considered becoming robed - my unspoken response being that separating oneself from the temptations of the world seemed to me to be somehow cheating, as rightly or wrongly, i regarded it as constituting a form of avoidance/aversion - and apart from that, i had still considered myself to very much have been a student of Buddhism, rather than a lay Buddhist...
Whilst reporting to 'V' on another occasion it was suggested to me that 'i had something to do in the outside world', if i indeed remember correctly - i had no idea what was meant by such a statement, so simply chose not to respond to it...
And on another occasion (shortly after i had presented her with my 'The Enlightenment Poem' if i remember correctly) i remember 'V', possibly quite understandably, asking me why i still chose to attend such a meditation centre - to which i found myself replying (after one of my customary 'no-thought' moments), 'for the sangha' - a reply that seemed to very much suffice/satisfy such an asked/enquired question...
And on yet another occasion, whilst putting on my boots before returning home, i remember 'V' asking me a now unremembered question about 'LC', the teacher of teachers - from my personal perspective it caused me to realise that she had perhaps started to question him...
...And although i chose not to respond to such a seemingly arising doubt, (as i had by that time realised that such things were for the individual themselves to discern/discover), i was very pleased that at least one of the teachers had now seemed to have reached the point of such questioning - the simple truth was that i had wondered how long it would take before one/some of the teachers did so - simply because from my own personal perspective i saw such a teacher of teachers within a very dim light indeed - he was simply not a very nice person at all, in my personal opinion...
So anyway, in conclusion of this particular blog offering, one may reasonably wish to ask what meditational stage did i reach prior to leaving such a Buddhist meditation centre - the answer being that i had recently entered the 'no-arising-thoughts' state within what was known as the settling stage...
It was a state of being that used to cause the mind to realise 'oh, i'm no longer thinking' - before rather humorously realising that i then was...
I think it represented a rather challenging state for the mind, in a 'i wonder what happens next' sort of way - whereby i noticed a certain fear/uncertainty/concern (previously unknown territory) arising...
I perhaps quite reasonably deduced that, if i had continued, then such 'non-thought' periods of time would simply have gradually prolonged themselves, as i became increasingly more comfortable/reassured during/within such 'non-thought' states...
Interestingly perhaps, 'V' once gave such class members an instruction to take into each of our individual meditational practises whilst at home (during class non-attendance times) - whilst making reference to one particular class member (it didn't apply to him apparently), who was practising vipassana meditation - i remember thinking that it may have been a 'spur' for further attainment/development to the rest of us (and i also remember a fleeting 'niggling' feeling arising within me at that time) - however, i was very much feeling comfortable within such a 'breathing meditation', and i very much felt that i had not yet fully explored its full potential, so simply didn't aspire/wish to be 'ready' to change such a meditation practise...
And have i ever meditated in such a traditional/formal /generally recognised way since leaving such a Buddhist meditation centre, the reader of these words may reasonably ask - the answer being 'no i haven't' (apart from one Mind Body & Spirit attendance perhaps - although i am not completely sure of the chronological timing of such an occasion) - i did however more recently make a passing enquiry whilst taking the opportunity to ask a Buddhist monk whether his centre took beginners meditation classes, so who knows, all things being equal, maybe i will perhaps choose to do so sometime in the future...
And what about the high-vibrational diet, you may further ask...
Well, it very much seemed to offer me Protection - as well as possibly a lot of perhaps, at the time unrecognised, Love and Affection (Angels ~ Robbie Williams), i guess...
And it would seem to constitute at least the basis for a perhaps more healthy way of nourishing/feeding one's body / physical vehicle of expression, i guess...
Anyway that would now seem to constitute the end of this particular blog - tis interesting how many recollections can be Received / come rather unbidden to mind within plenty of walkies, with notebook and pen readily at hand...
(https://www.ourquantumparticulates.org/videos/other-buddhist-experiences)