2021
Well, would you Adam & Eve it...
When things don't go quite as well as expected eh...
It all started when one of my famous friends turned up on me doorstep...
I mean yes, i had indeed put out an invite - but, come on, did i really expect such a tongue-in-cheek offer to be taken seriously???...
Well of course i didn't - duh...
So anyway, invite her in, i did...
If only to facilitate the offloading of her overnight bag - and to show her the settee and the sleeping bag of course - manners are everything after all, are they not???...
She seemed impressed enough - however it was only a guess, as i was finding it difficult to understand her, with the mask on and all...
So, moving in to a real-time recounting of such events...
'Maybe you could unzip the mouth-piece in order to facilitate easier understanding', ask i, rather reasonably...
Ooooh - a rather frantic shaking of the head, accompanied by rather panic-stricken eyes...
Oh well, at least that's not so difficult to discern, thought i - perhaps she simply needs a little time to become more relaxed eh...
...Perhaps the plane journey and taxi experience were a little taxing for her, after all...
'Come on, let's walk you to the pub next door to that chippy you've come so far to eat from - it's not that far away, and it's such a lovely evening - ideal for working up an appetite - and a few drinks may help you to settle into the local environment'...
Oh, she's refused my offer to hold hands - oh well, give her time - and after all, those surgical gloves are not really conducive to such gestures of warmth and tenderness are they...
'What, your tired already??? - don't worry, not much further now'...
'It's a lovely friendly place - possibly a little busy now, but hey, we could always sit outside in the rear garden - you look like you're in need of a sit down anyway'...
'There you go, have a try of this locally brewed ale - it's won several CAMRA awards - and it has a lovely nutty and raisin flavour to it'...
Oh, you're simply going to unzip and rezip the mouth-piece whilst taking consecutive sips are you???...
'Yes, that is indeed the reason people are probably giving you strange uncomprehending looks - such behaviour hardly helps you to blend in after all does it - don't worry, they'll probably go back to chatting amongst themselves eventually'...
Oh, the camera phones??? - 'nah, they're probably just making arrangements to go clubbin' with friends later'...
'I tell you what, i'll go and get you another drink - you're still feeling a tad out of your comfort zone aren't you - i'll get you a couple of straws to drink it from this time yeah'...
'Okay, you better not have any more than two - you know what they say about drinking on an empty stomach after all - and real ale does tend to be somewhat stronger that the normal stuff'...
Oh, you need a little help getting up do you - 'here you go, take my hand and we'll make our way to the chippy'...
Hmmmm, that slightly panicky look has returned to her eyes - oh well, at least it's not as bad as before - looks like that ale must have settled her down a bit eh...
'Well, i would recommend going for the traditional fish and chips - they are particularly renowned locally for their taste'...
'Two fish and chips to go please', i say after we reached the front of the queue...
'Salt and vinegar???' - 'yeah, why not' reply i, perhaps a tad presumptuously...
'Don't worry, i can always warm them up in the microwave if they've become a tad cold upon returning home - you'll be well up for them after the walk back'...
'Oh nice one, we're going to carry on holding hands are we - probably for the best anyway, we don't want you falling over after all do we'...
'There you go, just relax onth carpet whilst i go into the kitchen and remove the newspaper wrappings'...
...Oh, you're in need of the ladies room first are you...
'No, no sanitizer - just the standard non-scented soap'...
'Here you go, nice and warm once again'...
'No, we don't use plates - tis traditional to eat them out of the inner wrappings'...
'Knive and fork???' - come on, at least try to make an effort to get into the swing of things - use your fingers, you've still got your surgical gloves on after all - and let's face it, if you were in a Chinese/Japanese restaurant you'd follow the tradition of using chopsticks after all, wouldn't you???'...
'Still not ready to take the mask off eh' - 'oh well, maybe later then'...
'Is that the remains of a spliff i can smell???'...
Oh you've left it in the bathroom eh - no puff puff pass then???' - oh, simply desperate for a few tokes eh...
'Wow, you polished that lot off fast - it's almost like you've not eaten for a week'...
'Yes, i am a bit of a slow eater aren't i'...
'And yes, by all means go back into the bathroom to finish that spliff off whilst i continue eating - perhaps you could roll another one for sharing after i've finished???'...
Hmmmm, that wild look has returned to her eyes - maybe a glass of wine will help - and it'll give me a chance to go get an ashtray...
'Mmmmm, nice stuff - how did you manage to get it through customs???' - oh, you were simply whisked through, incognito eh...
Oh dear, now she looks like she may be on the edge of an anxiety attack - you would have thought she would have known not to partake when feeling anxious wouldn't you - she gave the impression she was a seasoned toker too...
'No, not the paparazzi - just the locals letting their hair down a little'...
'Am i sure??? - yeah, absolutely positive'...
Gee, any more of this and i'm going to start feeling a bit anxious myself - maybe i'll leave it at that eh - allow it's affects to pass through my system...
'I wouldn't recommend you having any more babe - hey, no need to get like that, i'm simply trying to offer you some good advice - well, okay, if you insist, it's your choice after all'...
Oh gawd, now she seems to be becoming increasingly paranoid - what a nightmare this is turning out to be...
'Calm down babe - deep breaths okay - maybe if you take the mask off, that will help???'...
Oh noooo - that wild panicky look in her eyes seems to be getting out of control...
Please, not a full-blown panic attack - that's all i need...
Gawd, what an experience that turned out to be...
Well, looking on the bright side, at least she's in good hands now - and hopefully she'll be absolutely fine, once again, tomorrow...
Oh well - i suppose i might as well finish that bottle of wine off...
Mmmmm - that remaining third spliff - should i really chance it though???...
(https://www.ourquantumparticulates.org/videos/an-unexpected-visitor)